Rule Book

1. All rules shall be followed, excepting when they are not, by all those with a Rule Book.

2. No one shall sleep all night.

3. The only sounds heard shall be like sugar-cubes falling in a well.

4. A deal is a deal.

5. From morning to afternoon, everyone shall be neat and pretty.

6. All colours are shades of green or yellow.

7.a. Everything shall be made as simple as possible but NO SIMPLER.

7.b. Everyone shall write at least one play.

8.a. No one shall write any poetry excepting those who wish to.

8.b. No poetry shall be destroyed.

9. Teeth are to be brushed from right to left and NOT from left to right.

10. Square spoons shall not be permitted.

11. Wicked scheming shall be encouraged.

12. Every rule shall be broken at least once.

13. No one shall correctly forecast the weather.

14. Tuba playing shall have certain restrictions:

a. it shall be done only in cases of extreme happiness

b. pink and green tubas shall be reserved for appropriately special occasions

c. pink tubas will be painted yellow

15. Well begun is half done.

16. When stepping off a train, the right foot shall be put first.

17. Toge pogling shall be done only on appropriate days.

18. All rules shall be put in a book.

19. This book shall hold some rules, excepting the unpleasant ones.

20. Questions about the weather shall be answered bafflingly, ex: (sunny day)

A: Nice day.

B: Hmm, except for the rain though.

21. Seasons shall be referred to as follows:

Winter: "Thrack"

Spring: "Swing"

Summer: "Tip"

Autumn: "Stumble

22.a. Full reports shall be given upon those things requiring full reports.

22.b. All reports shall be late.

23. Kraft Dinner shall be eaten with a spoon.

24. Green ink shall be reserved for writing things which are funny.

25. Potato chips shall be referred to as "crisps".

26. Motion pictures are to be watched, not thrown.

27. All clothing shall be referred to as a "disguise".

28. All money lent shall be immediately borrowed back, with interest.

29. No mockery shall be made of the Rule Book or the rule contained therein.

30. Special consideration shall be given to socks.

31. No one shall refer to anyone else as "an odd sock".

32. The months of the year shall henceforth be known as:

Ginyouvery, Pubyoumerry, Parch, Grapeswill, Tray, Juinp, Droolie, Sawdust, Siptumbler, Actsober, Newwinebar and Descendbeer.

33. No one shall claim or pretend that their name is Keith.

34. Annoying repetition of the catch phrase "Here’s Johnny" shall not be tolerated.

35. Ask no questions, hear no lies.

36. -- /--- /.-. /… / …/…./.-/.-../.-.. -…/. ..-/…/./-.. ..-./-.-/.-. -/./.-../.-./../-./-. …/./-.-./.-././-/…

37. When writing, a reasonable space shall be put between words.

38. No one shall make a claim for gratitude.

39. All stories shall be believed whilst they are being told.

40. Frivolity shall be taken above politics.

41. Upon answering the phone, "Hello?" shall only be spoken once.

42. No one shall remain in only one place at one time.

43. Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad.

44. Everyone shall learn to read backwards.

44. When choosing between two evils, try to get them both in if you can.

45. Farting shall be done in certain designated areas.

46. The alphabet shall henceforth be given in this order: E A T I N O R S L H D C M U F P G B Y W V K X J Z Q, and shall be sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

47. No one shall impersonate the Writer of the Rule Book.

48. Obscene music shall only be played very quietly.

49. March 10th shall be given over to the celebration of Whoopsical Day.

50.a. No reasons shall be given for the eating of strawberries.

50.b. Eating strawberries shall be done exclusively in an arbitrary fashion.

51. First children shall be named Skamperdans or Mogcracker.

52. Everyone shall learn the recitation of The Cremation of Sam McGee.

53. Mouldy bread and bad company shall not be kept.

54. No one shall know Rule # 54.

55. There shall be no more than 1700 rules at one time.

56. Outdated rules shall be destroyed.

57. Shoes are to be cleaned once a week.

58. No rule shall be broken more than 11 times.

59. Things shall be exaggerated no more than is absolutely necessary.

60.a. Actions cannot be accounted for by saying: "It’s the rules."

60.b. Some actions can, especially by those writing the rules.

61. There are always new rules that no one knows about.

62. Orange roofs shall not be permitted.

63. Everyone can speak SBenish.

64. Thou shalt not be such a shit you don’t know you are one.

65. Thou shalt not blow pot smoke in my pet’s face.

66. Everyone shall have scribbled secret notebooks.

67. Random mystifying glyphs shall be drawn in odd places.

68. Everyone shall have a little sugar in their bowl.

69. There shall be no funny connotation associated with the number 69.

70. Non-polar solvents like Varsol and turpentine will dissolve non-polar substances like oil.

71. The day of a new moon shall be celebrated by the eating of cake.

72. All excuses shall be considered true until it becomes inconvenient.

73. Homework shall be neglected for the sake of writing new rules.

74. No two rules are the same.

75. Midnight snacks are only to be eaten in good company.

76. The expression "Holy ass" shall be used as commonly as possible.

77. All superstitions are true.

78. Unpleasant rules shall be ignored.

79. You shall write in recollection and amazement of yourself.

80. The laws of physics shall be obeyed ONLY when such a fancy is taken.

81.a. Homework shall occasionally be neglected for the sake of writing letters.

81.b. Everyone shall write letters.

81.c. Everyone shall get letters.

82. "Guy" shall henceforth be a generic, sexless term.

83. Every day shall be secretly recorded in a Book of great beauty.

84. It’s never safe.

85. General misuse of the term "salad" shall be discouraged.

86. All things being discouraged shall be done to excess.

87. Truth is a relative thing.

88. Shoes shall be stored toe to toe.

89. The term "sweet" shall be reserved for those things appealing to the taste buds, and not to the emotions.

90. Look to your elbows.

91.a. Carrots are to eaten, and sometimes planted.

91.b. Towel snapping is not a sport.

92. The uses of a box are restricted only by the availability of adhesive tape.

93. Most people have tulips, only some have three knees.

94. No mockery shall be made of anyone acting within the Rules.

95. Those acting outside the Rules shall be made a mockery of.

96. Some rules appear more than once.

97.a. Some rules aren’t very good.

97.b. All rules are in some way good.

98. Sceptres shall be kept out of harm’s way when possible.

99. There is always a loophole when it comes to extremes.

100.a. No one shall ask why the rules are.

100.b. No one shall ask where the Rules come from.

101. All rules have around "a very long time."

102. No one needs more than four pens.

103. When asking a question, one must be prepared to answer it.

104. Castles shall be big, without fail.

105. Nothing is easily made hilarious.

106. With and cleverness as applied to current conversation shall be awarded with points.

107. Everyone, whether they know it or not, is in the game.

108. Rereading of the rules shall clear up any feelings of being out of sorts.

109. Try not to kill anybody.

110. Everyone shall feel important.

111. Always keep something in mind.

112. No one can actually look like a bookcase.

113. Everyone shall let family members sleep.

114. Small things needn’t escape notice.

115. A small toll shall be paid for the use of local staplers.

116. Oobleck shall be kept in certain designated containers (see Appendix C).

117. Eleven shall be considered a holy sacred number.

118. Words shall be spelled according to the whims of the writer.

119. We shall notice both the ineffective drops of rain and the terrific rainstorms.

120. Genetically modified corn is not against the rules.

121. All rule books shall be kept up to date.

122. Hangers are for clothing and make ineffective digging tools.

123. People shall be stored indoors during the winter months of Ginyouvery, Pubyoumerry and the early days of Parch.

124. Porpoises grow on neither trees nor vines.

125. a) Excessive use shall not be made of exclamation marks.

126. b) Question marks are ok.

127. Points shall be given for random acts of kindness.

128. Frowning shall be done in a self-satisfied sort of way.

129. Evil doings can result in the loss of points.

130. Even evil people can win the game.